Handling

"How are you handling the news now that you've had more time?"

I stared at the question in my inbox from a friend.  I don't know the answer, really.  How am I handling things?  Probably well on some fronts, not well on others.  I can talk about it without crying.  I feel stronger when I share it outloud with others.  I have kept busy with safe things like planning meals and picking out curtains.

But last night I slept on our couch.  Had a fight with Michael about how to process -- and he had bare criticism for my approach and no patience for my feelings.  I felt alone and received the message loud and clear.  Some of this is ugly and some folks aren't ready (or never will be) for your ugly.  Figure out where to put it in the mean time.

I feel alone a lot.  Searching.  My sister has been great, but she's really the only person I've had to talk to outside of my marriage.  My "best" friend has had a rough year (and that's minimizing the reality) and simply isn't available for me.  My Dad is creating distance because he's scared and doesn't know what to say, changing the topic when it's raised and responding with silence.  My other close friends are scattered -- on vacation or in far off lands. 

There's not much to lean on, so I just don't lean. 

I also don't sleep much.  Who knows if it's stress or the pregnancy.  I struggle with fatigue and anxiety every day.  I have a hard time finding the energy for great food choices to help manage my diabetes, opting for easy solutions instead.  I'm distracted at work.  I'm concerned about money.  And my self esteem is in the crapper thanks to a bigger pregnancy and my constant failure to find the time to regularly exercise. 

"How am I handing things."  Sigh.  Depends on the day, I guess.  I get up every day and make the most of this, knowing that it's going to get harder but frustrated that there's nobody who is able to (or willing to) acknowledge how hard this will be.  I'm there for my daughter and keep my best smile on my face and lightness to my voice when we're together.  I go to work and do the best I can.  I watch our new reality strain our marriage and insert distance between me and my husband.

Truth is?  I don't know the answer.  Today, I just don't know.