Friday, July 20, 2012


Nothing like crying to reality tv.  Lots of grace in that, for sure.

Before my wedding, I watched lots of bride programming.  Before buying our first house, I watched lots of home beautiful programming.  Before my babies, I'm like a moth to the flame of baby programming.  I can't help it. 

Last night, I found myself crying during Pregnant in Heels when an excited couple were holding their brand new baby after birth, cuddling and oh'ing and ah'ing.  It hit me...we don't get to do that this time.  I don't know how it will actually be orchestrated, but those wonderful hours and days following delivery where this tiny swaddled ball of love is tucked into your arms to feed and generally look cute will not be part of the picture.  Maybe I'll get to hold him.  What day, how long, how often...all still up in the air.

It breaks my heart.  It was the first moment where I realized quite so clearly how different this will be.  And I'm sad for that in a very real, heavy-in-the-chest kind of way.  I feel robbed, like this experience has been taken away from me when, in reality, it never was ours to begin with.  But it still hurts.  Enough to sob a little curled up in bed watching Bravo.  

1 comment:

  1. I'm right there with you :( I have to keep telling myself that I DID get that experience with my girls and am so blessed to have had that - and at the time I never appreciated the simplicity of it. This time - with the fear, the uncertainty - it's so very differant. We just have to try to focus on the ways it can still be good. We'll be ok Mama - no matter what happens!