Sunday, August 19, 2012

Ease, or lackthereof

I'm not sure there's ever a time when you can relax with a pregnancy like this.  I keep thinking that if I can get another thing done on the list to prepare for the baby, then I'll start feeling better...less anxious.

It's not working.

Don't get me wrong, it feels good to be done with the big girl room and see Olivia adjust so wonderfully to it.  Michael finished the walls and carpet cleaning in the nursery today and it's great to know that we're in the home stretch to have our place ready to be a family of four.

But the unease still follows me.  Usually just under the surface.  It deadens the impact of things, leaving a dull thud when a bright report would usually ring.

Part of my worry is what this third echo will find.  I'm not yet feeling comfortable that we've learned about it all.  Perhaps I spend too much time reading the experiences of others, whose babies' heart conditions are compounded by a menu of complex related issues.  I haven't relaxed in this pregnancy since our first lousy lab finding, about 7 months ago.  It's been a long year for us.  A really long year for me.

I have to be patient and get through one more week until we go to CHOP for our third consult, our first with the OB team there, who is now taking care of me full time.  In the mean time, we've made some great progress at the house getting things ready and the to do list is shrinking.  My anxiety may not be, but at least the list is!

I'm also tossing around the idea of a gym membership for me.  Spent some time swimming this weekend at MomMom's pool and it felt so wonderful.  Truly amazing.  I want to find some time to do it between now and the delivery, and hopefully after things settle and Little Man is home again.  It's a tough call, since I'm not big on wasting money and it's hard to find any free time for myself except very early in the morning.  To get a swim in before work, I'd need to leave the house around 4:30.  That early start, a full day of work, and then our typical nights with Olivia?  It's a long day, but it might just be worth it.

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