Tuesday, September 18, 2012

54 Days

One day, likely 53 days from now, I'll look back on this post with relief or humor and think, "wow, I fell apart early this time."

But right now, 54 days feels like forever.  I've been mired in the bad parts of third trimester.  Physically, the pregnancy is starting to take a toll.  My hips and feet hurt, my ligament pain is increasing, and even rolling over in bed at night is difficult and painful.

I'm also struggling with the emotions of this all.  Sometimes I just get waves of sadness and despair out of nowhere.  Last night, I was laying there after the tv was off and Michael was asleep and just starting crying. No reason.  (Or every reason, whichever way you look at it.)  It's all so much and I'm just mired in it every day and exhausted in all possible ways.

And there are 54 more days of this.

It's horrible, but I dread most of my days.  I'm even finding myself being short with Olivia out of sheer exhaustion, and at the same time deeply concerned that there's a distance growing between us.  She's a Daddy's Girl....always has been.  And it hurts -- a hurt only a mom can understand --  when she rejects me for whatever reason.  Recently, I think it's because I'm generally less fun and can't do a ton of stuff I used to.  Last night, she refused to get changed for bed by me and insisted on her Dada.  Broke. My. Heart.

All of this is small.  I realize it is.  At least, academically, I get it.  But when I feel it...when I experience these moments in time and the discomfort and anxiety...when I feel my life right now it's huge and overwhelming.  I want to give up, switch off the power and crawl into bed and say goodnight.  And I can't seem to do that. 

The worst part is that I'm not sure there's much I can do.  I can't make any of this go faster.  I can't create energy where there isn't any.  I can't make it easier to run after Olivia or force her to savor the quality moments we do have.  I can't stop the dread and the fear.

Or maybe I can, but I have no energy to try.  I'm tapped right now and it's Tuesday afternoon and each week feels just like this.  Tapped before we begin and trudging through the rest, hoping my husband doesn't care that he spends most nights in front of the tv alone because I'm going to bed at 8...or even 7:30.  Staring at the list of remaining tasks that simply doesn't budge because I have no energy to try at the end of the day and our weekends are prioritized elsewhere.

Essentially living in this land of waiting, stuck in an emotional purgatory. 

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